I just received my first ‘this is awful, you are shit’
comment about my blog. Sitting ugly in my inbox by Anonymous, I have no means
of responding directly to the reader’s assertion of spectacular boredom at my
self-interested ‘attention seeking’ writing.
Wow. Humbling.
The post that Anonymous read and chose to leave criticism
about was my very first one. A post where I explain my blogging-turn-to-point
(for who? Probably a justification for myself). So I re-read it. And you know
what? It does sound a bit fucking whingey. What I had hoped to get across was that
I was at a turning point, a point where I could continue to sail along on a
university degree that allowed me a certain amount of consistent work and bill
paying ability. Or, I could make a change – skip towards my dreaming. Dance
with uncertainty. Holler at my self-doubt. I thought I was saying that I was scared to skip, dance and holler…but
more frightened not to.
Don’t we all go through times in our lives where we are a
bit ho-fucking-hum? A bit ‘oh shit how did I find myself here – not there?’ I
know I am not alone in considering how to juggle extra trips overseas while
saving for white pickets, still needing those
shoes and that outfit and tickets for those festivals. AND questioning whether
what you are doing right now, the work that increasingly fills in life-balance,
will satisfy you in 10, 20, 30 years?
I think it is OK to question these things as a way of
evaluating your own goals and motivations. Since writing that post I have
changed direction ‘done something about it’ as Anonymous so kindly suggested I
should. For me, writing it down was a means of owning it – here is how you are
feeling about your path right now – here it is; transparent. I could have saved
it for myself. Bought a new journal, typed up ambitions and action plans in
bulleted form, written myself motivational sticky notes in a rainbow of
colours. I am not saying that posting something on the internet should be
applauded, but for me it was a hard thing to do, to admit that I was
floundering and needed motivational help. Attention seeking?
Writing for me is easiest when I have a beef to voice. When
something or someone’s action has crawled under my skin and spurred enough emotion
to motivate me, or when I am particularly sad, reminiscent, lonely, missing. Most
of the time life is all crazy fun, rainbows, vino, midnight, dawn and easy. But
no one wants to hear all about that all the time, do they? The Jeff Buckley,
Plath, Dylan, Poe and Elliot Smith fans tell me no.
Life is bloody good and I am getting to where I want to be.
Even if I don’t make it all the way, I have enough of the good love to satisfy
me for lives to come. No regrets. Thank you Anonymous for urging me to write
today – I need all the motivation I can get.
